Margo
“A little loud, isn’t it?” I yelled at Ruby. “I thought you wanted to chat.”
“Yeah, fucked that one up, didn’t I? Let’s go across the street. The food might not be as good, but we’ll be able to hear ourselves fart.”
She might have been having a bad day. Maybe she was hungry. I was.
We settled into booths, ordered wine, then before the waitress left, we ordered food, too. Thank God the woman didn’t hover.
“Okay, what’s going on?” I asked. “Were you off today?”
“Off my trolley, you mean?”
“No. Work.”
“Went in late, like I said.”
“So, what’s up?”
“No, Margot, not me. You. What’s happening with Ron?
“We’re at an impasse. We talked. A lot. And I kind of get it.”
“The heart wants what it wants?”
“More like the libido wants what it wants. I believe he loves me. I do. We’ve had each other’s backs for thirty years, Ruby. Thirty. We still—well, until all this— still held each other until we fell asleep at night. He makes me laugh. He listens to me. He’s interested in what I have to say and what my preferences are. He does his best to make me happy. By most definitions, that’s love.”
“Damn straight. I’d take it.” We got our wine. Half glasses of wine, that is. “And the sex?” Ruby asked.
The young gal who served us looked a little startled. I waited until she left.
“Okay. The sex is okay. Mostly routine. Sometimes I feel like he’s avoiding it. Avoiding me.”
“Doesn’t sound much different than a lot of marriages—”
“Stop. I’m not doing a comparing thing. Besides, I’ve come to the conclusion that sex or the lack of it, or the mundane nature of it, doesn’t define our marriage. I’m having a worse time with the dishonesty.”
“Well, he could hardly tell you, could he.” Ruby dropped her voice an octave, supposedly mimicking Ron. “By the way, Margo, I shagged a bloke today. I hope you’re okay with that.” She shook her head. “He’d’ve been out on his arse in a flash. He’s not dumb, is he? And besides, probably he did try to … avoid temptation. Maybe even thought he’d be able to.”
I took a sip of my wine. “You on his side?”
“Doesn’t feel like there are sides, here, love. If there are, I’m on the side of your marriage.”
“How are we going to tell the kids?”
“Why ‘we’? That’s Ron’s job, isn’t it? And, again, why do you think they need to know?”
“Why do you think they don’t need to know?”
“Oh, well, let’s see—because it’s none of their business.”
“I disagree.”
“Well, sure. You would, wouldn’t you?”
“What does that mean?”
“Margo, I’m pretty sure you bloody well want him punished for what he’s done, and telling the kids would do it. But then wouldn’t it hurt them, too?”
I folded my napkin into quarters. “Won’t it hurt them worse to find out we kept it from them?”
“I’m not sure about that. What is it you want?”
“I don’t know what I want, Ruby, except for none of this to be true, but what I don’t want is for them to reject their father, to hate him—or me.
“Something you have zero control over, and something not bloody likely, is it?”
“I don’t know. I know my sons, I think, but I don’t know about—”
“Are you sure you want to do this to poor Jon? He’ll have his nice Christian fiancée with him, won’t he? Are you gonna do a ‘welcome to the family. Oh by the way, Jon’s dad is a closeted gay man who’s recently come out’.”
“Well, we can’t tell Bobby and not Jon.”
“Rock and a hard place, huh?”
I leaned back in my seat, looked at my empty glass. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I need another glass of wine.”
“I’m not sure I should let you wiggle out of it that easy.”
“No, seriously, I’m spinning my wheels coming back to the same place. You know, let’s leave it at ‘I’ll tell you when I make a decision’.”
I sat back up and looked for the waitress. She saw me and I made a motion for two more wines. She nodded. I looked at Ruby and she took the last swallow of hers.
About that time a balding man drifted up to our table. He had two glasses of wine in his hands. “Are you girls looking for some company?”
I feared for the guy’s safety when I saw Ruby’s expression. “Are you mad? Do we look that desperate, you tosser?”
“No, sir,” I said. “We’re having dinner here and enjoying each other’s company. Thank you, anyway.”
He left without a word, but he looked back at Ruby as if he wished he could’ve thought of something clever to say to her. Little did he know.
“Now that we’ve seen how much worse things could be, tell me what’s happening with the men in your life.”
“Sod all, that’s what. Honestly, as for Joe, not enough there to try to have something on with him. It feels like he’s gone his way and I’ve gone mine, and we ain’t getting our paths aligned any time soon, if ever. He voted for Trump, for fuck’s sake. That’s a deal breaker.”
“God, yes. I agree. No matter how good a kisser. And Alan?”
“I haven’t rung him up. I’ve got three days before he gets here—three days to figure out what to do.”
“Why don’t you see how you feel when you see him?”
“He’s a sexy guy, Margo. I know how I’ll feel. I’ll wanna jump his bones.”
“Well, after that, then see how you feel. I’ve never understood how you were going to make this work, anyway. He’s not giving up his business in the Bahamas, is he? And you’re not going to become an island girl are you?”
“Not bloody likely. No idea how licensing works, but I think he was gonna look into trying to start up in Miami, Broward, or Palm Beach county, even. Scuba diving is pretty popular in south Florida, and there are dive boats here, too, you know. He says there’s room for competition. Then he could come home every day.”
“And how were you going to deal with having him around seven days a week?”
The waitress brought our glasses of wine, a little fuller this time. I watched as Ruby took a sip of hers, made a face and took a deep breath. “Yeah, that’s the sticky one, isn’t it? I’ve never known how people did it. Who’d put up with my moods, and how would I put up with theirs?”
I reached over and took her hand. She looked truly miserable, and I felt bad for her. “I don’t see how you can think about getting married knowing you don’t want a permanent live-in relationship. How is it you’ve never told him how much you value your time alone when he’s gone?”
“I guess because I like having him around when he is.” She paused. “I thought I’d adjust…”
I sat back. “I’m thinking not.”
“Spoil sport. Listen, speaking of relationships, what do you think about Zan and Trevor? You know we’ve not laid eyes on that guy since their wedding? Eleven years ago, is it? He’s a bit of a ghost, isn’t he?”
“What, you don’t believe he comes home? Ever?”
“Well, I’ve got no bloody reason to think she’s lying, but she can’t tell him she was raped? What kinda man must he be that she doesn’t think he could handle it? Couldn’t be a comfort to his wife if somethin’ like that happened? Makes me wonder if he knows about her pedophile grandfather. I mean, does he even know his wife at all? Does she even let him?”
“Ruby, you have to understand that everybody does being in a relationship differently. Look at me.”
“Up until a week ago, your ‘being in a relationship’ was the gold standard. I couldn’t’ve hoped to ever effing duplicate what you and Ron had. In fact, I’ve spent considerable time wanting exactly what you two had.”
“Turns out it was based on a lie.”
“Come on, pet, that’s bitter.”
“But true. I thought we had no secrets. I would’ve bet my life—but how did we get back to me? We were talking about Zan—who is living in the middle of a lie, too. Interesting.”
“Thought you wanted no comparisons—they get you nowhere. I should know. Next thing you’ll be deciding which lie is worse. It’s a dead end, and you know it.”
“Okay, you’re right. But back to Zan. She’s got a great colorist—those lowlights work with her hair. And sure, her work out routine is admirable. But don’t you think she’s going too far with her efforts to stay young? Plastic surgery seems extreme to me.”
“To you, sure. You’ve got that great complexion. Perky tits. But she’s got all that pressure to ‘present the face’ of Fit&Fab Forever, doesn’t she? The face and the body, if I read it right.”
I ignored her reference to my breasts, just glad the waitress wasn’t serving our food right then. “Zan could let them use another model and still be involved couldn’t she? She’s the owner of the business, isn’t she?”
“Yes, I think so. But doesn’t she do those commercials? I think she’s gotta keep her physical presence out there.”
“Well, I’m worried about her. She was wired a little too tight, and drank much more than any of us did. And we drank. A lot.”
“Even more than me,” Ruby said. She looked surprised at that.
“I think she’s in a bad place. Can’t tell her husband something that traumatic happened? Can’t afford to gain a pound? Which, by the way I think she might be bulimic. She made a dash for the bathroom after we ate Sunday night.”
“You mean that outrageous meal went into the commode? Her birthday dinner? Fuck no. That food was expensive. And good, of course, but still…”
The waitress reappeared. She gave Ruby my entree and me Ruby’s, but we switched it after she left. I took a bite and it was pretty good. I was glad I went with the tuna melt. Ruby had fish and chips. Both of us getting our mercury for the day.
“I’m always trying to find fish ‘n chips that taste like home, you know? This isn’t bad, but it falls short by a continent or two.”
“Get a pint with it instead of wine. Possibly that’ll help.”
“Yeah, prob’ly not.”
“What about Olivia?” I asked. “Have you spoken to her about her sister?”
“You do know we’ve been back five days now, right? No, I haven’t. Probably tried to get her sister back into rehab. Thinking one of these times, it’ll take.”
“Or her sister will get arrested or killed.”
“Aren’t you Miss Mary Sunshine? One of us needs to call her—Olivia—and find out. Me,” she said as she held a piece of fried fish up with her fork, “I’ve been consumed with what the hell I’m going to say to Alan. After I shag ‘im, of course.” She put her fork down. “And I’ve been worried, honestly, I have, about you, Margo. And Ron. He’s a peach. Don’t do anything barmy, okay? Hang in there with him for a bit longer. It’s odd, and unconventional, sure, but probably not one-of-a kind. There have to be other gay men who marry women they love. Because he does love you, you know? I do, if you don’t. You’ve been happy together or at least mostly happy. Nobody’s happy all the time, are they?”
“I love you, Ruby.” I reached over and covered her hand with mine. “And I love it that you’re worried about me. Thank you for that.”
“You think I’m self-centered, as a rule, don’t you?”
“Oh, honey, not really. I’m a hundred times more self-centered than you are. I do think you’ve never been ‘okay’ since Callie died. But when you’ve gone through the worst thing in the world any parent could go through, it’s obviously hard, if not impossible, to see any lesser difficulty as anything but trivial. You’re angry, mostly, and I get it. I’m just concerned about how much harm it’s done—is doing—to you.”
“I know,” she said, and picked her fork back up. Then she looked up at me, eyes full of tears, but with a brave smile. “So, Alan? Any advice?”
I smiled back. “You could use a haircut? And, like you said to me, ‘you’re a smart girl. You’ll figure it out’.”
~~~
Ron was reading on the sofa bed in the guest room when I got home. I stuck my head in. He slid his reading glasses down his nose and looked up at me. “How was Ruby?”
“Daft. Profane.”
“As usual or even more so?”
“She’s conflicted.”
“About?” He patted a space beside him on the bed and I hesitated.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“About what?”
“I don’t want to presume you’ll trust me and tell me things you would’ve in the past, but it comes naturally to me to want—”
“I know.” I walked into the room, kicked off my shoes, and sat on the bed. The springs squeaked and the bar was uncomfortable to sit on. I squirmed around trying to face him and not sure I wanted to. “Can I ask you something—something else?”
“Haven’t we established that by now? You can ask me anything. I’m not sure you want the answers, but I’ve made a promise to you—and myself—to give it to you straight.” He turned beet red. “I’m sorry, that was—I didn’t mean—”
“I know you didn’t. Stop.”
“Okay. Yes, of course you can. What is it?”
I could feel my heartbeat. “Were you ever attracted to me?” My throat constricted, and tears threatened. I didn’t want to cry—not now.
He started to reach for my hand then thought better of it, but I could tell he wanted to touch me. “Oh, honey, of course I was. I still am. You’re a sexy woman. My being aroused by men doesn’t change the fact that I think you’re beautiful. And desirable.”
“But did I ever turn you on?”
“Yes. But I didn’t read your ‘signals’ well, your indications of interest. It could be that they were too subtle for me. With you, I couldn’t tell you wanted me, and I was unsure of myself.” He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Margo, what I do—what I’m driven to do—with men, it has nothing to do with affection. And it doesn’t translate well to sex with women—with the woman I love more than anything in the world.”
“You were always—affectionate, Ron. Just not—”
“I know. Honestly, I lacked technique. I never knew how to please you, but I’d have loved to try. I still would.”
“And I had nobody but you as an example, so I didn’t know how to show you what I wanted.” My heart ached. I hoped I didn’t sound pathetic or whiny.
“You never had any other lover but me?”
“Once. A brief encounter.”
He looked surprised for a beat, and I could see him make a decision to not ask any questions. Good move.
I went on. Maybe I wanted to hurt him. “He didn’t need ‘technique’. It was clear that he wanted me and that was heady stuff.”
He closed his book and put it on the floor. “So, there we were in the enlightened nineties with sex manuals all over the place, and we just muddled along? We’re two smart people. How did we let that happen?”
“I don’t know. We talked about everything, Ron. Why didn’t we ever talk about … why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to lose you, Margo. Do you honestly think you would’ve been able to hear my ‘confession” all those years ago? And then stayed with me? You’d’ve run like hell, and wise to do it.”
I looked around the room. He was right. Of course he was. And I still wasn’t convinced I wouldn’t leave him.
He cleared his throat. “What now?”
“Come sleep in the bedroom tonight, okay? This sofa bed is bad for your back.”
Pat Ponders Life 