Zan

I was in a hospital. On a hospital bed. Behind a tacky pastel curtain. I could hear voices and machines beeping. There was an I.V. pole beside me with a bag of clear fluid and a line from it to my arm. My mouth was dry as a desert and I cleared my throat and croaked, “Hello?”

The curtain slid aside with a flourish. “Hi, there, sleepy head.” A munchkin of a person with dark brown curls and rosy cheeks came up to the bed. She was wearing scrubs with bright-colored puzzle pieces all over them and was painfully loud and disgustingly cheerful. My head was killing me, I felt like I might vomit, and I desperately wanted to know if the dogs were okay. Somehow I managed to ask her.

“Your neighbors are caring for them, dear,” she assured me. “You asked me that earlier, twice now. Same answer.”

Then I must have dozed off, because she was still there but I couldn’t remember what she’d told me.

“I’m sorry. I just need to know…”

“I know, sweetie,” she said, patting my hand. “You’re concerned about you doggies. They’re okay, okay? I’m closing the curtain again, honey. Get some rest.”

Nancy, I reminded myself. Her name was Nancy. How did I know that?

~~~

I’d thought about putting medication in their food, not knowing who would take them—certainly not all three of them—and I couldn’t bear the thought of splitting the babies up. My dilemma had been that I didn’t have enough to kill them and myself too. I sat on the floor in front of their bowls, hugging them and crying. Asking them to forgive me. They kept whining and trying to get in my lap, all at the same time.

So, I’d sent a text to Olivia telling her they would need to be rescued. Olivia checked her messages so seldom, I figured I had plenty of time. I remember wondering if there were enough pills in the amber container, and I wondered if wine was a good way to wash them down or would something stronger be better. Google was no help. Everything after that is fuzzy.

~~~

Mindy had been here. Could be more than once. I heard her voice, heard her say she’d be back. Ruined her holiday, for sure. I guess in her life I would be classified as a therapist’s failure. I hoped she didn’t take it personally. She’d done her best. Seeing Trevor and me on Christmas Eve was no doubt an inconvenience for her and it was a total failure. I could see the horror on her face. Even I couldn’t have predicted how openly he would show his true colors. I thought he might at least try to fake it to protect his image, but he was devoid of anything close to compassion.

I reasoned that if I’d told him about the rape right after it happened, instead of two years later, he’d’ve reacted differently. And this is where Ruby would say, “Bollocks.” Who was I kidding? A wife with no drama, that was what Trevor wanted. Barbie with brains, sure, but no baggage. The thought of having to ‘support me as I dealt with my trauma’? Too much for him. As I predicted. And get this: we never got to the other stuff that happened before him. None of it.  He didn’t even know—and now never would—about my brain-damaged sister. My trips to Pennsylvania were easily explained as shopping trips, if he were to ask, and he never did. As much as my husband had traveled, it was easy to keep messy things from him.

He needed an orderly life, but when Mindy asked him to think about what I needed from him, it was pretty clear he didn’t comprehend what she was saying. We could both see the panic on his face. As far as he knew, I’d never needed anything from him. Put money in the account, swing by home every six to eight weeks to fuck his wife, then leave again when it was time to go. Rinse and repeat. It was what I wanted, too, the leaving part, anyway. Mindy called it avoiding intimacy.

In the end, though, it wasn’t Trevor’s reaction that sent me to the medicine cabinet. It was much more complicated than that.

Nancy slid my curtain back again and stuck her smiling face in. “You’ve got a visitor.”

“Who?”

“It’s your sister.”

I must have looked blank.

“Olivia,” she said.

Olivia

As soon as I saw Zan’s text about the dogs, I panicked. Why would she need someone to rescue her dogs? I called Zeke and he called the police in College Park who advised him that Zan Bitton had been taken by ambulance to a hospital in Tahoma Park. He told me to tell the staff that I was her sister. “Or they won’t be able to give you any information. HIPPA rules. They may not anyway.”

I was in luck. When my call was transferred to Zan’s floor, a nurse claimed to have been trying to locate a family member and told me that the patient had mentioned a sister but didn’t give a name. The nurse also said that Zan’s neighbors had dialed 911 and reported non-stop barking. Even though the owner’s vehicle was in the driveway. My so-called sister was recovering in a private room after having been first in ICU.

The kind nurse, Nancy, said she could tell me nothing else, which was more than she should have without proof of a familial relationship. “I’m trusting you are who you say you are,” she said. Then she asked me if I could give her names of any other relatives. I told them of our ‘other’ sister’s situation, which was not helpful but gave me a little credibility as at least not a stranger. And I asked if her husband, Trevor, had been notified. It was then that I learned Zan had denied knowledge of where Trevor was and claimed to not have his phone number. I knew that to be a lie. Surely something terrible had happened to cause this.

Mrs. Baumgarten was able to stay with the children, and I made reservations to fly to Maryland. The only flight was in the afternoon, which would cause me to arrive in the early evening. It was bitter cold, but the snow had stopped for now, and the flight was not delayed.

I arrived at 5:00. Unsure of how long I would stay, I took a taxi to the hospital. When the nurse pulled back the curtain, Zan looked small and pale in that bed. I pressed my hand to my mouth in disbelief. I must have made a sound of shock.

“Olivia, I didn’t mean—” She began to cry, which of course forced my tears to fall as well, for the pain in my broken heart was great.

“Hush, hush now. Of course you did not mean it. You are much stronger than you think, and you will discover this now. You have been given a second chance—”

“No, no. I didn’t mean for you to come all this way—”

“I believe you, Zannie, but I had to. You have no family, except for Trevor—”

She looked startled. “You didn’t call him did you?” She gripped my hand.

“I could not have done that. Not without his phone number. Or his last name, Mia Dios. And besides, I would never do such a thing, unless you asked me to.” I brushed her hair back from her forehead and felt her warm brow. I could see fine scars along the side of her face, now clean of makeup. That this beautiful woman was unable to accept herself the way God intended for her to look made more tears fill my eyes.

“Oh, Olivia, please don’t.”

“Tell me, my friend, how can I help you?”

“Just sit here with me for a little bit, please.”

I sat and held her hand and allowed my feelings to be with me. All of my problems with my sister had never led me to feel as desperate as Zan must have felt to do this thing. I said a silent prayer for the Blessed Mother to help my friend see her worth.

Zan looked out the window. “It’s dark,” she said. “I’ll give you the keys to my house and car, and if you will please, can you take a taxi there and spend the night? It isn’t far from here. My dogs will love you. The neighbors are feeding them, but I bet they’re confused—the dogs, I mean. Take my clothes from the plastic bag in there”—she pointed to a small closet. “When they smell them, it’ll comfort them. Bring my car and come back tomorrow, please?”

“Of course I will.”

~~~

The dogs’ barking at the front door was a commotion like I had never heard. Remembering Zan’s instructions, I pushed the door open a crack and allowed them to get a whiff of her clothes, and then they cried happy sounds and greeted me with such enthusiasm, I was sure they would burst with excitement. Three furry white mountains of pure joy twirled around and begged to be petted. I did my best to assure them as I stood in the foyer.

At that moment, the doorbell rang, and the barking deafened me. As I stood with my hands over my ears, I could hear a woman’s voice calling out over the noise, “I’m Zan’s neighbor, hon.” The dogs stopped barking when they heard her voice, and they wagged and cried again with joy. Someone they knew had come to visit. I could almost hear their thoughts.

She was bundled up with a huge puffy coat, and she wore a wool hat tied under her chin. Her lips were blue. “Please come in out of the cold.”

“Marlene,” she said as she grasped my hand with her glove. She was the friendliest woman, making cooing sounds to the doggies, and it was clear that they were fans of hers. “Can’t stay, darlin’, I just heard these brutes making’ that racket. Zan called to tell me you were coming. She’s not makin’ much sense, is she?”

Before I could answer, she went on, “And I wanted to make sure you’re okay. And, to let you know we’re here.” She gestured to her left as she held onto the door frame to avoid being knocked over by the dogs pushing each other out of the way. Then she shooed them away, and finally they left us to tumble around together in the sunken living room. I thought they must feel that it was now alright to play.

“Will you not come in–”

“No, no. Can’t stay.”

I did not ask, but she began telling me her story about that night as if she could not wait to tell someone.

“We saw Zan at her mailbox. She was just standin’ there still as a statue with a letter in her hand and staring at it—without a coat on, no less.  In that nasty weather. I could see her shiverin’ even. I almost went out to see if she was okay, but by the time I got my coat on, she must ‘a gone back in the house.”

“That was so kind of you—”

“Then, later, we were worried to hear the dogs barking. Zan’s car was sittin’ right there in the driveway.” She pointed to the right. “I thought, ‘that isn’t right’, ya know? So we tried knockin’ real hard on the door and got no answer. Then I remembered the key Zan had given me for emergencies. Ages ago it was.”

“It is such a blessing that you did—”

“We found her.” She looked away, as if remembering the disturbing sight. “Then we called 911.”

“I am so glad you did that—”

“It was the dogs’ non-stop barking that was distressin’ for us,” she said. “They bark, but not like that. We knew somethin’ was wrong.”

“I am so grateful.” I felt my throat close up, realizing that this talkative woman had saved my friend’s life. “And that you have been taking such good care of these doggies.”

“We love them, my husband and I. We do. They’re noisy, I’ll admit, but such fun. So sweet. You tell Zan I’m more than willin’ to keep on looking in on ‘em and makin’ sure they get exercise and company, and of course food. You tell her not to worry, okay?”

“She will be glad to hear that, but I believe she thinks she will be coming home tomorrow.”

“Oh.” She paused, looking doubtful. “Well, I hope so, for her sake. You know, we always thought Trevor to be a bit of an odd duck. We invited them—through him—to come over for drinks not too long after they moved in, and he said, ‘No thanks’. Simple as that.”

“I did not know him at all.”

“You didn’t miss anything. Tell Zan those dogs can even come and spend the night with us when you leave if it’s before she gets back home, if she wants. It may be longer than she thinks. And keep me posted, will you?”

“I will, Marlene. And, again, I am so grateful to you—”

“Nah, it was nothin’. You take care.” And with that she was running back across the yard to her home, not waiting for any response from me.

Then I saw that my phone was filled with text messages from Ruby and Margo wanting to know how Zan was and what they should do. I called Ruby and talked to her voice mail.

“I saw Zan and talked with her, but I know very little as of now. I will call you tomorrow after my visit with her. Tell Margo, please. And do not worry.”

Then I called Zeke to let him know I was staying at least for one more day. “She looked so vulnerable. It broke my heart. I don’t know how to help her.”

“You are helping her, Olivia. What she needs is a friend right now, someone who cares about her,” he said. “You’re doing the right thing.”

Finally, I texted Matias. I asked him to inform his sister and Mrs. Baumgarten that I was fine and would update them tomorrow.

By that time I was yawning—spent from the emotional day. Seeing that the dog bowls were filled with food and water, and not wanting to explore that huge house, I went to bed in the closest of the guest rooms. I was joined by Zan’s three white dogs. One settled beside the bed and the other two curled up just inside the door. In spite of being in a strange place, I felt safe.

Olivia

Mr. Drakos’s decision stunned me. He called to tell me that he would close the office for the last two weeks of the year, from five days before Christmas until January 2. “Are you sure, sir?” I asked. Matthew was standing in my office doorway looking puzzled.

“I am, Olivia.” he said. “I’ve had some family problems myself recently, and I realized how important it is to be able to be with your loved ones when you can. Maybe some of the employees will be able to travel home with the time they have off.”

“That is so generous of you—” My voice rose with excitement at the news, and Matthew whispered, “What?” I waved my hand for him to stay there.

“The thing is, Mr. Drakos said, “I’ve just spent too much time running without arriving, and I’m beginning to see that. Besides, many companies do this. We can, as well.”

I wrote a note and turned it for Matthew to see, and he went singing, “Deck the Halls” out into the room where all the employees sat. I could hear him saying, “Guess what?”

Mr. Drakos asked me to provide him with an accurate list of all the employees and said he would be personally distributing the usual holiday bonuses for everyone. Accounting would handle it he said. Do not concern yourself he said. I was speechless. This was wonderful news.

~~~

By the final day of work, the mood was festive. All week delicious homemade goodies were shared in the kitchen and music filled the air. On the last day, Mr. Drakos appeared at three o’clock wearing a Santa hat, calling out, “Ho, ho, ho,” as he handed out bonus checks to all the employees. Simone was with him dressed as an elf, helping with the envelopes. This was more than he had ever done before. So, naturally, I worried about this behavior on his part. Was it good news for our company, or did it portend something bad for Mr. Drakos himself?

“Stop viewing the glass half-empty, boss lady,” Matthew said as we locked up the office and parted with hugs beside our cars. He would be travelling south to his family, and I admonished him to drive safely. For myself, I was looking forward to sleeping later in the mornings, not dressing up every day, and spending time with my niece and nephew who would be on winter vacation from school.

My concern that the children would be sad or worried for their mother was unfounded. All I had seen was two excited young people, shopping together, wrapping the gifts they bought, chiding me, ‘don’t peek’. Matias had even volunteered to cook Christmas dinner, and he had several sticky notes on kitchen cabinet doors. They were lists for grocery items needed for the dinner menu in an effort to accommodate all of the nationalities of those who would be attending.

My nephew had taken a job selling Christmas trees, and that evening after work he brought home a tall Fraser fir for us, the biggest tree the house had ever seen. It nearly touched the ceiling. He set the enormous tree in front of the windows, and  it filled our home with its delicious scent.

“Can we start on it now?” Mariella asked.

“No, mi amor, it is late, I have no energy left, and you both need your sleep. Tomorrow morning, first thing, I promise. We will finish before Matias leaves for work.”

~~~

There was barely light in the sky when I heard bumping in the attic. I walked out into the hall in my flannel nightie. “Matias, is that you?”

His head appeared at the top of the attic ladder. “I’m sorry I woke you, Aunt Olivia. I couldn’t sleep,” he said, with a guilty grin.

“Me neither,” said a disembodied voice from the interior of the attic, one I recognized as his sister.

Without waking me, they had lit the fireplace. And I could smell coffee, so there was no going back to bed.

“I am defeated,” I said. “Let us do this thing.”

He handed containers down to me until we filled the hall with boxes, many of them with Abuela’s writing on them. She would have loved this, except she would be worried for Isabella. Out of guilt, I had called to talk to my sister, but she would not accept my call. This was something I did not wish to share with the children, and thinking about it made me sad for them. After the last box, I excused myself to freshen up and get dressed in comfortable jeans and my new turquoise sweatshirt with Kiawah Island printed on the front.

For breakfast, oatmeal with butter and honey was perfect on this cold day. We finished, and Mariella began to examine the decorations as Matias unwound the lights, lit them, and then tucked them in the branches of the tree. He did this as if he had been doing so for much of his sixteen years. “If he hadn’t done it,” Mariella said, as she saw me watching her brother, “we would never have had a tree with lights—or a tree at all, I guess.” She was pleased to find a box with wreaths and hangers, so she placed them on the front and back doors, plus smaller ones on all of our bedroom doors.

In one box of ornaments was the angel. Mariella saw me unwrapping it with tenderness and moved closer to watch. “It looks old,” she said.

“She is old. My parents could bring so little with them when they came from Cuba, but my mama insisted they bring this. She had a dream, Papi told me, and in this dream she heard me, her daughter, telling her she must bring the angel with her.”

“How old were you?” Mariella asked.

“I was still nestled safely in Mama’s belly. The angel was wrapped carefully in her lingerie.”

Tears filled Mariella’s eyes as I told her that story.

“I did not wish for you to cry, dear,” I said, as I touched her arm.

“It’s just that I’m thirteen years old, and I have no stories of my mother like that, is all,” she said. She wiped her face with her sleeve. “Mom never liked Christmastime.” She looked at her brother and he nodded his agreement.

“When she wasn’t drinking, she hated it that everyone else was.” He said. “She said it made her feel lonely.”

“But when she was drinking,” Mariella said, “she talked to us all slurry-like and cried and told us over and over again that she loved us. It never felt real.”

It was then that we heard someone knock firmly on the back door. The three of us locked eyes. I feared that Family Services would choose this time to make a home visit but did not voice my fears. Mariella brushed the tears from her face as Matias went to answer. Then, with happiness, I heard the familiar drawl of the officer who had recently brought me the news that changed our lives.

“Aunt Olivia?” Matias called out. In his voice I could hear fear. Did he think the officer had more bad news? I joined them at the door. Mr. Rivers was bundled up this time, with coat and gloves. “Won’t you come in from the cold and warm yourself? We have a fire blazing, thanks to the young people who live here.”

“I didn’t mean to bother you, ma’am,” he said with a smile as he ducked his head under the doorjamb and stepped into the living room, wiping his boots on the mat. “But I saw both cars and figured that you and your nephew were home. I’m not here on official business, in case you’re worried, young man,” he said to Matias, as if reading his mind.

Officer Rivers nodded to Mariella, and said, “I don’t believe we’ve officially met, young lady.”

“Mariella, this is Officer Rivers—”

“Zeke Rivers, please, Miss Mariella. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Mariella shook his hand and smiled. If he noticed she had been crying, he did not react. Then he looked at me. “Please excuse me for interrupting. I’m just checking to see if everything worked out at the courthouse.”

“It did,” I said. As an officer of the law, I thought he might have access to that information, but I was glad to see him, now under better circumstances. “Please remove your coat and I will tell you about it. I was about to make hot cocoa. It is a Cuban tradition. In my family, anyway. And I have marshmallows. More of an American custom, I believe.”

“I couldn’t—” he started to say, but I interrupted him.

“Of course you can have some hot cocoa on this freezing day, Officer, while I fill you in, as some say. My niece has made enough Christmas cookies to allow you—possibly even your entire precinct—to have some of those as well.” I helped him out of his huge coat and hung it in the closet. He was not in uniform, and his clean-smelling scent was as I remembered it.

“I’m just going to step out of these muddy boots, ma’am,” he said, and he opened the door and deposited his boots outside. Then he entered the kitchen in his stocking feet. “Is this okay?”

“Of course. I am in socks, as you can see.” I held up my stockinged foot. I had the multi-colored socks on that my abuela had knitted for me many years ago.

“Well, now I wish I had some fancy stockings, too, Miss Santana.”

“Tell Santa,” Mariella called out from the living room. I could see that Matias was almost finished with the lights.

“You were telling me about your day in court,” Officer Rivers said. “You comfortable with how things have worked out, so far, are you?” He was standing beside me at the stove as I stirred the cocoa.

“Well, sir,” I whispered, “I took a bold step and filed for custody of the children.”

“How about that?” He, too, lowered his voice. “Good for you.”

I poured and then handed him a steaming mug of cocoa. “I know that this is an enormous move, but one I have been reminded by a friend is long overdue.”

“Does your friend live in Chicago?” He took the mug from my hands and looked down. I heard disappointment, or wariness, in his voice.

“She does not.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” His eyes met mine as he blushed. “That was none ‘a my business, was it?”

“It is alright, Officer. Your curiosity and suspicious nature probably serve you well in your line of work. I am not offended.” I could see the relief in his face. It made me smile.

“That’s a beautiful … tree you have,” he said, looking into the living room. “It looks perfect.”

“I got first pick,” Matias called out. “And an employee discount. It helps to work there.” He was examining and adjusting his placement of the lights and Mariella was waiting to hang ornaments on the tree, holding several in her hands.

We moved into the living room. “One detail that has defeated us,” I said, with a wink to Matias, “is the angel. She is historically important. However, none of us is tall enough to manage without a ladder. And that requires a journey to the garage in the cold. Since you are here, would you be so kind as to assist us and place her at the top?” I took the angel from the wrapping and held it out to him.

His pleasure at having been asked was obvious. “I’m honored.” He set his cocoa on a coaster and gently placed my mama’s angel atop the tree. “I haven’t decorated a Christmas tree for years. It surprises me to say so.”

Mariella said, “Well, even though you’re out of practice, we won’t mind at all if you put some of the higher ornaments on.”

“Nothing would please me more, little lady.”

As he began to help decorate the tree, I was surprised to hear Matias asking questions about what it took to be a police officer, something I had not known he had an interest in. Mr. Rivers stayed, seeming to enjoy hanging ornaments with Mariella, as Matias excused himself to get ready for work.  After they finished, my niece helped the officer download an app on his phone–one that would allow him to video chat. “Do you have children, Zeke Rivers,” she asked.

Her question embarrassed me. “Mariella, you should not be asking such a personal question.”

“No, no, ma’am, it’s no problem.” Then, to Mariella he said, “I do. A daughter. But she lives in California. I can hardly believe it, but she’s about to be a mommy herself, and I wanted to be able to meet my grandchild. If not in person, at least this way.” He held up his phone, looking happy. He stood. “I’m afraid I overstayed my welcome and really need to let you good folks get on with the rest of your day.”

I had an idea. “I am curious, Officer Rivers, are you on duty on Christmas—in the afternoon?”

“No, ma’am, I’m off that day. Seniority has some advantages.”

“Well in that case …” I looked to Mariella and she nodded her approval. “We would be very happy for you to join us for dinner if you have no other plans. There will be neighbors here as well, some whose English is marginal.”

Matias had bounded down the stairs and into to the room. “It’s like the United Nations, I can tell you.”

“Matias is cooking,” I said. “He is an excellent cook.”

“Yes, please come,” Mariella said. “We play games sometimes.”

“I’m honored to be asked,” he said, “And I’d love to join you.”

“In addition to delicious food, wine will be served, Officer Rivers. Mrs. B’s husband might bring his Russian vodka, and I make Cuban eggnog with dark rum. I hope you do not object.”

“You’ll hear no objection from me. In fact, I’ll be happy to bring some—wine that is, or whatever you might need. But I was wondering—”

“Yes?”

“How about by then, do you think you could call me Zeke?”

“I will try to do that. But only if you will stop referring to me as ‘ma’am’.”

Ruby

“Is Alan really gone?” That was Margo ringing me up, checking to see if I was okay.

“Back to the Bahamas. Lickety split. Said he had some thinking to do. Probably won’t be back.”

“I’m worried about you, Ruby,” she said. “You’ve been with this guy for, um—”

“Five years. I know. I’m not doing cartwheels. Also not as knackered as I thought I’d be–maybe because I know it was for the best. Smack in the face, though, wasn’t it?  Him gettin’ miffed because I asked what his financial plans were for this major undertaking. Right indignant he was.”

“Offended that you wondered how he planned to move here and start up his business?”

“‘Offended’ is a grand way of putting it. Accused me of not trusting him, not believing in him. Hah! Not being willing to foot the bill for his grand plan is more like it. A few sandwiches short of a picnic, I am, aren’t I, for not asking the question ages ago. What was I thinking, Margo?”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Alan’s business plan was probably the last thing on your mind, with all the other stuff going on. He may come around. Give him some time.” Margo was ever the hopeful one, wasn’t she?

“Might’ve made a mistake, Margo. If he’s really gone, I’m gonna miss him–and the sex.”

“Don’t be telling me about the sex, Ruby.”

“No help there, still?”

“Well, not that it’s any of your business, but we’re getting better at it, at least. Seems he’s teachable.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah, but I’m not delusional. He’s always going to have this—compulsion. I’ve banned pretending everything’s hunky-dory if it’s not. New policy: tell me first, talk it out. No secrets. And, too,  I’m not above stalking and murdering anyone who tries to lead him astray.”

“Got a life-sized picture of that, I do. But if it comes to it, take me along will you?”

“By the way, Ruby, what are you doing for Christmas? Because if you don’t have plans—”

“Spend it with your family? Are you daft? Including Jon’s nice fiancée? Come on, duck, I may be a nutter, but I’m not dim. Soon as I opened my mouth, said something off—and when don’t I? —your future daughter-in-law would be questioning whether Jon’s family friends were sufficiently pious. There’s no need to make it any harder than it has to be for him to win her over, is there? Besides, I have plans.”

“What plans?”

“You’ll never believe it, but I’m going to my ex-husband’s and his family’s house. I’m having Christmas with them and my daughter and the two rug rats. Walter rang me up last week. Said his wife wanted me to come, if I didn’t have other plans. I wasn’t sure right then, was I? Because I hadn’t chatted with Alan yet. Didn’t know how it would go. But now that’s sorted, so I rang Walt back and accepted the invitation. Brilliant, right?” My fingers were crossed.