Category: Musings on Friendships

It’s about love, more or less

~ patponderslife ~ Leave a comment

I’m seeing a trend. I’m not the first to notice it, needless to say. Others more eloquent than I have written about it. I touched on it in one of my past posts that encouraged everyone to widen their circle of friends rather than, as the latest best seller Let Them advises, cutting people out of their life. It feels like the self-help warnings have to do with making sure you take care of yourself even if it means being a jerk.

To be clear, I’m not a proponent of toxic relationships. I mean for God’s sake nobody should make themselves a doormat simply to be with someone. Alone is not necessarily a bad thing; in fact, there’s probably a lot to be said for it—at least until you get into your eighties and need someone to hoist you off the floor because you got down there to look for a lost earring and you can’t get up. This is when those of you who live alone can tell me that’s why you do chair yoga and to mind my own business. If so, I’m not being very clear, am I?

Let me tackle it from another angle: We’ve all heard the line, “She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” Romantic, huh? Gag. Sets my teeth on edge. Who in the world wants to be a “thing” that “happened to someone?” Holy cow. So where am I going with this and how can I tie it into my central theme, if I even have one? Okay, it’s this: When you love someone it’s for them, not you. If lust is involved, well, we know what you love about them, but set that aside for a minute. Maybe you love the way they laugh, and sing off key and even the way they think for heaven’s sake. How their mind works, the kindness they show to animals and strangers, the way they worry about that dog you saw in the rain. You find that dear, and you want to be with them for all those reasons, not because they make YOU feel or because they are in YOUR life, and not because of any way they make YOU FEEL. Get it?

And to get back to where I left off, if you’re maybe thinking you’d rather do your nails than to hang out with friends because they’ve invited that one friend that annoys you, and you don’t have to be annoyed when you can…what? Watch brain rotting garbage on TV? What if that annoying friend really needs a little company? You can’t be bothered to put yourself out for a few hours because you’ve read that you don’t have to be nice to people if you don’t want to be. Because it’s all about you, isn’t it, precious? It’s about what you deserve and what don’t have to put up with.

Good grief. When did we get so selfish? It’s like “Just Say No.” Remember that one? It was about something else, but the negative message was the same. And it didn’t help anything at all. I’d vote that “yes,” is something that needs to be said more often. Nevertheless, a best seller has just given us permission to reject our fellow human beings if they don’t make us happy. Holy cow. When did we forget that we’re social creatures? There’s no hope for us if that’s the best advice we can get. Besides, our happiness isn’t the be-all, end-all, of our existence.

Learning something new every day was once something to strive for. Having a purpose, however tiny, meeting our obligations, showing up, doing something right and good even if we won’t get recognized for it, standing up to cruelty, cleaning up after ourselves, helping someone. That reminds me: I remember hearing about a conference on how to create a better world where industry giants were invited to present their ideas. A Hilton (Nicky, I think, but I’m not sure) proposed his answer: “If everyone would tuck the shower curtain into the tub.” That’s all he said. The message: Do your part.

And, for pity’s sake, stop bragging about all the people you’ve let go of.

Opinions? Have at it. The floor is yours.

What else can you do?

~ patponderslife ~ Leave a comment

I’m wondering about this “new” theory that is life-changing—the two little words that people can’t stop talking about that Mel Robbins is probably going to make millions on.
Full disclosure: I haven’t read the book, so I’m not a reliable source. I’ve only read about the book, and those reports were pretty clearly at maybe a fifth-grade level.
You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure: Let Them. The theory that “will forever change the way you think about relationships, control, and personal power.” Or, you could essentially learn the Serenity Prayer and apply it to your everyday life.
In my day it was “Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down.”
Hundreds, maybe thousands of self-help books have broached the subject of living your best life by not allowing others to occupy your thoughts. You’d think we would have it by now. So why don’t we? Maybe because we’re social creatures and we need other people. And that need translates to caring what they think about us. Duh. Can we fight against that? Of course. Will we win? The jury is still out.
Toxic people have been identified as bad for us, and we’ve been warned to weed them out and not allow their energy to defeat us. Check. Narcissists are to be avoided at all costs. Check. Friends who criticize rather than propping us up are not really friends. Check. And on and on—ever since someone saw a way to make money by selling us on the next best idea to change your life for the better.
There’s nothing wrong with the book or the ideas in the book—in fact it’s all good advice that’s been re-marketed into a catchy two-word philosophy. Is it “ancient wisdom”? Perhaps. I bet some Tibetan monk had it nailed centuries ago. Is it science-backed? It is if it helps people. How can it be a bad thing? It can’t, not really. It’s just that Let Them is so obviously simplistic.
If you believe that you actually have no control over the actions of others, then you’re already most of the way there. I’m going to suggest that sometimes you can influence the behavior of others, especially the “others” who admire you or who believe you to be wise or at least to care about them. And vise versa. People you care about can influence your behaviour, too. Maybe that’s why people feel the need to buy a book written by a person with such impressive credentials. So she can influence your behavior? Do I sense some irony, here.
If you don’t embrace Let Them, does that mean you’re liable to slide back into caring what others think of you? Will you still compare yourself and find yourself wanting and/or happy to be better off? Probably. We have to fight that impulse every day. Because of that whole social animal thing we have. Remember no man is an island? The sum of the parts? Problems solved is a problem shared? Teamwork saves the day? Shall I go on? Okay, not.
People matter to us. Watch any person separated from their people. They will look and look, expressionless. Then they see their person. Big smile. Relief is visible. Hugs, laughter. Connections comfort us. Those same connections complicate our lives and cause certain people to write books helping us to not get sucked into unhealthy connections. I don’t wish anyone ill will; certainly not a writer. Writing is hard work, darn it. Taking a simple concept—love yourself—and stretching it out over x number of words on x number of pages (I told you I hadn’t read it) might be hard, too.
After all, I spent over 600 words pondering that simple concept.
I’d love to hear your take. I’ll even Let You.