Zan

 

Olivia came back, bright and early, looking for all the world like she had when we first met. She came over to the bed, sat on the edge, and took my hand. I could see her examining my face with her beautiful dark eyes. I’d done a little washing up and makeup repair. “I made an effort to look a little more presentable for you.”

“You must realize, mi amor, that you do not have to do anything of the sort—for me or for anyone. You are a beautiful woman—inside and out. None of your efforts to change your looks are necessary.”

“Well, Olivia, in my world—”

“That is what I want you to please talk about. Can you tell me what it is in your world that led to this?”

I had no idea where to start. She could see that I was thinking about it, and I knew she’d never let me get away with a lie—not anymore. Besides it was time. “Okay, about the rape.”

“You told us about that…”

“Not the whole truth.” I paused and swallowed. “I deserved it.”

“Zan, please.” She stood up, walked a few steps, then turned, arms crossed over her chest. “No one deserves—”

“Just listen.” I patted the bed beside me, and she moved closer and dropped her arms but didn’t sit back down. “I never told anyone else this. He was—well, he had Paul Newman eyes and a shy smile. Looked like a Boy Scout all grown up. I was a mess, right? Coming home from a day of training. And he says, ‘Well, aren’t you beautiful?’ Trevor never says that.” I took a sip of water.

She perched at the edge of the bed. “Trevor is—”

I held up my hand to stop her from excusing my stupidity. “The guy carries my groceries in, then says something about how glad he is that not everyone in this world is suspicious. He calls the power company, or pretends to. Convinces me, anyway. I want to be convinced. I offer him some water. I guess I wasn’t anxious for him to leave. When I give the glass to him, he takes my hand, turns it over, and kisses my palm. Tender and soft. I wanted—”

“You must not blame yourself,” Olivia said. She looked so indignant and beautiful. I felt lucky she was on my side.

“How can I not?” I protested. “I was so … naïve. It happened so fast. He was so charming. Then he wasn’t.” I drank more water. I could see tears pooling in Olivia’s eyes while mine were dry. “I’ll never forget how his face distorted into the ugliest … and the things he said, the names he called me.” I shuddered with the memory, and Olivia squeezed my hand.

“For two years I kept hearing his voice, kept looking for him, even though I knew he was in prison. Kept waking up feeling as if someone was leaning over me, breathing on me.”

The curtain pushed back, and the nurse came in with a tray—mid-morning snack, I guessed. Or an early lunch. Breakfast, which happened before the sun came up, had been mush. This was hot tea, apple sauce, milk, a container of what looked like soup, and crackers. I guessed the orders were for my tender stomach to be pampered, but I wasn’t hungry anyway. Olivia insisted I drink some hot tea, and I got her to eat the crackers and soup before it got cold. She had fed the dogs but not herself before she left my house.

After we finished, I told her about Trevor, how he’d reacted at Mindy’s office. “What in the world allowed me to think my husband would be supportive? How’d I let myself get talked into telling him, even in my therapist’s ‘safe space’? He couldn’t’ve been any less compassionate. In fact, he was visibly sickened. It was obvious.”

“I feel some responsibility here, Zan. We all thought—”

“Well, Olivia, it made sense. You all saw that I wasn’t dealing with it, even after two years passed. Any normal person would think a husband’s support would be needed. But none of you knew him, and neither did Mindy. He looked at me as if he was disgusted with the sight of me.”

“He is not worthy to kiss your feet,” Olivia said. She was so passionate about it, while I felt nothing. “Is this ridiculous man the reason you—”

“No, he’s not. But, listen. Trevor leaves for the airport, probably never to be seen again, which is best, I know that, and I’m conflicted, right? He’s—well, I don’t want him back, but I’m afraid of being alone. I’m not suicidal over it, but I’m still afraid. Never been very long without a man to … assure me that I’m … I don’t know. Anyway, all new territory for me.”

“But you are so capable. You have skills. You do not need—”

“Don’t be an H.R. Director. Let me finish.”

“Yes, yes, I am sorry.” She made a zipping motion over her mouth.

“And then, in that frame of mind, I remember neither of us had gotten the mail in several days, and I think, ‘I should get the mail’. No idea why it even mattered. So, I walk to the mailbox. And then I open the letter. It’s freezing and I don’t feel it. Because my long-ago, given-up-for-adoption-at-birth baby daughter—the one I never told you or anyone about—has been looking for me, wants to meet me.”

“Oh, Zan, how wonderful. Such a gift. Why would you not want—?”

“Olivia, I can’t let her. In her world, I’d be a slut. I can’t even tell her who her father is. What do I say to her when she asks? Do I tell her I slept around, did too many drugs to remember? Oh, and do I tell her about my pedophile grandfather? The sexual abuse? My mother’s—her grandmother’s—complicity? What in God’s name could I say to her that would give her confidence in her genetic heritage? How can I excuse all my horrible choices, especially the one to abandon her?”

“You were young, Zannie. And—not in a good place. First you gave her life and then you gave her a chance at a better one than you could give her. That is such an unselfish thing. You didn’t leave her in a dumpster, for heaven’s sake. You found a good home for her. She is alive and free to pursue her dreams because of your generosity.”

“I sold her, Olivia. Same thing as. I got money for her.”

“Does that matter so much? Did you not ensure a more successful future by finding for her a family with means?”

“Whatever. All I knew is that they were ‘professionals’, married eight years trying to conceive with no success. Wanted to adopt rather than keep making themselves crazy.”

“They sound wise,” she said.

“Anyway, in my head, whenever I pictured her—Anne is her name now—which was a lot more often than I wanted to, she was still an infant.  A baby or a toddler at the oldest. Couldn’t imagine her all grown up. But, she’s so—her letter was eloquent, long and full of details, a couple of words I had to look up! She made her life into a story—for me.”

“Oh, Zan, I’m so happy for you.”

I wished I could make her see why knowing my daughter might meet me made me want to not be here any longer. “She’s engaged, and they’re talking about children. That led her to look for me. Olivia, she said both of her parents approved of the man she was betrothed to—that was the way she put it, ‘betrothed’. Who talks like that?”

“What does that matter? Did her parents support her search for you?”

“Yes, in Anne’s letter she said they did.”

“Then, they could not have thought so poorly of you—”

“They remembered nearly nothing about me. They only met me once. In the attorney’s office. Just that I was ‘pretty’ they told her, curvy, and blonde. She said she, too, was petite and blonde. And busty.”

“You, too—”

“Mine are artificial, Olivia. I thought you knew that.” She tried not to smile, but the look on her face was priceless. I chuckled, and then we both laughed. It felt good to laugh.

“I am sorry, Zan,” Olivia said. “That was unkind.”

“If you think that was unkind, honey, you’ve definitely led a sheltered life.”

“This is true. But I am still so confused. You have a daughter, Zan. Why did this news not fill you with joy?”

“Don’t get mad, okay? But here’s why: I’m—I’m such a phony. I am. Shh. Don’t protest. There’s Ruby, admitting to her guilt about the tragedy of Callie drowning. Practically opening her veins for us as she confesses. I was in awe of her. And then Margo, revealing that Ron’s gay and being ashamed she didn’t know it. Taking some of the blame. So self-aware. And you—so worried about your niece and nephew, willing to be honest about anger at your sister. If I remember right, you admitted you didn’t like her. Granted you loved her, but you didn’t like her. Am I right?”

“This is true.”

“Okay, so all of you, so unafraid to reveal your true selves, your flaws, your real fears and doubts. And then there’s me. Keeping everything to myself.  So afraid to expose my … inner self, I guess.  I’m such a fraud. Not an authentic bone in my body. I’ve never told the truth in my life if a lie wouldn’t serve as well. It was easier for me to not tell Trevor about being raped.”

“I don’t remember it being easy for you.”

“Maybe not, but my instincts were spot on, weren’t they? Once he knew the truth, he couldn’t take it.”

“Ruby would say—”

“I know. She would have some colorful names for him. But that doesn’t stop me from believing—”

“That you don’t deserve happiness? That is such nonsense.”

“You know at some level, way down deep, there’s a tiny voice that tells me you’re right. It is nonsense. You know why? Because of those silly dogs. They love me. They do. And their love makes me feel–worthy.” My throat closed up and I felt a sharp stab in the gut my gut with the truth of that statement.

“Then you must learn to listen to that voice.”

“But I don’t trust it! I’ve never believed—”

About that time, the curtain pulled all the way back and there they were—Margo and Ruby, grinning wildly. Ruby had a huge white stuffed dog in her arms and Margo a gorgeous bouquet of Calla lilies.

“Ta da!” Margo said. “Here we are. Like bad pennies–we keep turning up.” She paused. “What does that even mean?”

They brought fresh, floral air into the room and hugged me and then Olivia and then each other. Seeing them made me cry again, and then we all cried—and then laughed.

“How much did you hear?” I asked.

“Nothing, love,” Ruby said. She looked away.

“Enough,” Margo said. “We caught the gist of the plot. Let’s sing. Seems like music is in order.”

Ruby groaned. I was still wondering how much they heard of what I said to Olivia. If so, it didn’t feel as bad as I might’ve thought it would. In fact, I was glad.

“When can we break you out?” Ruby asked. “I hear you have a much posher residence than this dump.”

~~~

 

It wasn’t that easy. We found out that in Maryland attempted suicide is a common law crime. A person trying to take her own life in this state is—or can be—punished.

“Who knew you decided to move back to the thirteenth century when you came here?” Margo said.

“It’s a law in Virginia, too,” Ruby offered, checking her phone for details. “And here in Maryland, a former police officer suffering from PTSD was sentenced to two years’ probation and a suspended three-year prison sentence. That’s fucked up.”

It got quiet as my friends looked at each other and absorbed the seriousness of what I had done. I could go to jail, I thought. What will happen to the dogs, was all I could think of. And who will tell Zoe? Would she even understand? Who would take her to craft fairs? All of a sudden I knew I needed to be alive. There were people and animals who needed me. What had I done?

Then Ruby cleared her throat. “Blimey, how did we not see it? Clearly this here?” She indicated my hospital bed. “It’s a bloody mistake. Am I right? A real doozy?”

We all stared in confusion as Ruby went on, “You’re not barmy.” I figured that meant crazy. “A little dim—” I frowned, but nodded. When she was right, she was right.

She went on, “But you. Naturally, you never meant to off yourself. Fuck no. What rubbish.” She smiled at her own cleverness.

“Of course,” Margo said. It looked like she caught on to what Ruby was saying.

“You would never do anything like that. It would scare the bejesus out of your friends, wouldn’t it?”

“It definitely would do that,” Olivia said.

I had begun shaking my head ‘no’, and now nodded ‘yes.’ We all were. We looked like puppets.

“You would never leave the care of those ponies to some dodgy character. Or, worse yet, to fend for themselves.”

With those words, she tapped into my fear about them, and I started to cry, but Ruby kept on, “You were upset, sure. After all, it was Christmas. Who doesn’t hate Christmas? Brings out the worst in everyone. And then your husband—the arsehole—had just left to go back to who the hell knows. You didn’t even know where he was. That’s what you told the EMTs right? And you hadn’t been sleeping well. Needing meds to get to sleep at all. You drank some wine to settle your nerves. You took your normal dose of sleeping pills, but then you forgot you took ‘em.”

Now I could see where she was going. I was nodding harder.

“Lucky for you,” Ruby went on, “the dogs started making a racket and luckier still, the neighbors had a key. They panicked is all. Daft, weren’t they? Didn’t know what else to do but call 911, and that’s how you ended up here. A huge fuck-up, wasn’t it? Some black coffee would’ve been just the ticket. There was no blooming need for all this.” She waved her arm to include the room, the hospital, maybe the universe. With Ruby, who knew?

And that was what we sold to the doctor. Of course, he was aware of the law, and he wanted to be sold. My neighbors helped. Olivia called them, and they talked to the doc. Marlene said nobody was more stable than I was. No one less likely to attempt suicide. “So grounded in reality,” she said. Not that she knew me that well at all, but she’d been prompted by Ruby.

Mindy was a huge help. She spoke with the doctor, apparently let him know she would be there for me. She had a price, shameless shrink that she is. She made me sign a contract with her that I’d not only see her twice a week, but also that I’d keep up my survivor’s support group. She showed it to the doctor, all signed and witnessed by my friends.

It was a lot to get done in one day, but they did it. Then Margo and Olivia left for the airport. Both of them had pressing issues going on at home. Olivia with her custody issue and Margo had left her son’s fiancée for Ron to entertain. Ruby stayed. She slept in the reclining chair when she wasn’t wandering the halls striking up conversations with whoever she found awake.

In the end, the doctor agreed to call my trip to the emergency room an accidental overdose. Probably without the suicide law, he wouldn’t have. “You should get help, not be charged with a crime,” he said.

I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but he even told me that the dose in my stomach was borderline lethal, after all. I’d fallen into a deep sleep and couldn’t be roused. Left alone, I might have woke up. Might.

I’d never be sure what cinched the final decision, but I was told I’d been released—to Ruby, of all people. She told them she was my cousin. She had definitely made her presence felt. I was pretty sure they wanted her gone by any means possible. I was happy to oblige. My puppies needed me.

Zan

 

I was in a hospital. On a hospital bed. Behind a tacky pastel curtain. I could hear voices and machines beeping. There was an I.V. pole beside me with a bag of clear fluid and a line from it to my arm. My mouth was dry as a desert and I cleared my throat and croaked, “Hello?”

The curtain slid aside with a flourish. “Hi, there, sleepy head.” A munchkin of a person with dark brown curls and rosy cheeks came up to the bed. She was wearing scrubs with bright-colored puzzle pieces all over them and was painfully loud and disgustingly cheerful. My head was killing me, I felt like I might vomit, and I desperately wanted to know if the dogs were okay. Somehow I managed to ask her.

“Your neighbors are caring for them, dear,” she assured me. “You asked me that earlier, twice now. Same answer.”

Then I must have dozed off, because she was still there but I couldn’t remember what she’d told me.

“I’m sorry. I just need to know…”

“I know, sweetie,” she said, patting my hand. “You’re concerned about you doggies. They’re okay, okay? I’m closing the curtain again, honey. Get some rest.”

Nancy, I reminded myself. Her name was Nancy. How did I know that?

~~~

I’d thought about putting medication in their food, not knowing who would take them—certainly not all three of them—and I couldn’t bear the thought of splitting the babies up. My dilemma had been that I didn’t have enough to kill them and myself too. I sat on the floor in front of their bowls, hugging them and crying. Asking them to forgive me. They kept whining and trying to get in my lap, all at the same time.

So, I’d sent a text to Olivia telling her they would need to be rescued. Olivia checked her messages so seldom, I figured I had plenty of time. I remember wondering if there were enough pills in the amber container, and I wondered if wine was a good way to wash them down or would something stronger be better. Google was no help. Everything after that is fuzzy.

~~~

Mindy had been here. Could be more than once. I heard her voice, heard her say she’d be back. Ruined her holiday, for sure. I guess in her life I would be classified as a therapist’s failure. I hoped she didn’t take it personally. She’d done her best. Seeing Trevor and me on Christmas Eve was no doubt an inconvenience for her and it was a total failure. I could see the horror on her face. Even I couldn’t have predicted how openly he would show his true colors. I thought he might at least try to fake it to protect his image, but he was devoid of anything close to compassion.

I reasoned that if I’d told him about the rape right after it happened, instead of two years later, he’d’ve reacted differently. And this is where Ruby would say, “Bollocks.” Who was I kidding? A wife with no drama, that was what Trevor wanted. Barbie with brains, sure, but no baggage. The thought of having to ‘support me as I dealt with my trauma’? Too much for him. As I predicted. And get this: we never got to the other stuff that happened before him. None of it.  He didn’t even know—and now never would—about my brain-damaged sister. My trips to Pennsylvania were easily explained as shopping trips, if he were to ask, and he never did. As much as my husband had traveled, it was easy to keep messy things from him.

He needed an orderly life, but when Mindy asked him to think about what I needed from him, it was pretty clear he didn’t comprehend what she was saying. We could both see the panic on his face. As far as he knew, I’d never needed anything from him. Put money in the account, swing by home every six to eight weeks to fuck his wife, then leave again when it was time to go. Rinse and repeat. It was what I wanted, too, the leaving part, anyway. Mindy called it avoiding intimacy.

In the end, though, it wasn’t Trevor’s reaction that sent me to the medicine cabinet. It was much more complicated than that.

Nancy slid my curtain back again and stuck her smiling face in. “You’ve got a visitor.”

“Who?”

“It’s your sister.”

I must have looked blank.

“Olivia,” she said.

 

 

 

Olivia

 

As soon as I saw Zan’s text about the dogs, I panicked. Why would she need someone to rescue her dogs? I called Zeke and he called the police in College Park who advised him that Zan Bitton had been taken by ambulance to a hospital in Tahoma Park. He told me to tell the staff that I was her sister. “Or they won’t be able to give you any information. HIPPA rules. They may not anyway.”

I was in luck. When my call was transferred to Zan’s floor, a nurse claimed to have been trying to locate a family member and told me that the patient had mentioned a sister but didn’t give a name. The nurse also said that Zan’s neighbors had dialed 911 and reported non-stop barking. Even though the owner’s vehicle was in the driveway. My so-called sister was recovering in a private room after having been first in ICU.

The kind nurse, Nancy, said she could tell me nothing else, which was more than she should have without proof of a familial relationship. “I’m trusting you are who you say you are,” she said. Then she asked me if I could give her names of any other relatives. I told them of our ‘other’ sister’s situation, which was not helpful but gave me a little credibility as at least not a stranger. And I asked if her husband, Trevor, had been notified. It was then that I learned Zan had denied knowledge of where Trevor was and claimed to not have his phone number. I knew that to be a lie. Surely something terrible had happened to cause this.

Mrs. Baumgarten was able to stay with the children, and I made reservations to fly to Maryland. The only flight was in the afternoon, which would cause me to arrive in the early evening. It was bitter cold, but the snow had stopped for now, and the flight was not delayed.

I arrived at 5:00. Unsure of how long I would stay, I took a taxi to the hospital. When the nurse pulled back the curtain, Zan looked small and pale in that bed. I pressed my hand to my mouth in disbelief. I must have made a sound of shock.

“Olivia, I didn’t mean—” She began to cry, which of course forced my tears to fall as well, for the pain in my broken heart was great.

“Hush, hush now. Of course you did not mean it. You are much stronger than you think, and you will discover this now. You have been given a second chance—”

“No, no. I didn’t mean for you to come all this way—”

“I believe you, Zannie, but I had to. You have no family, except for Trevor—”

She looked startled. “You didn’t call him did you?” She gripped my hand.

“I could not have done that. Not without his phone number. Or his last name, Mia Dios. And besides, I would never do such a thing, unless you asked me to.” I brushed her hair back from her forehead and felt her warm brow. I could see fine scars along the side of her face, now clean of makeup. That this beautiful woman was unable to accept herself the way God intended for her to look made more tears fill my eyes.

“Oh, Olivia, please don’t.”

“Tell me, my friend, how can I help you?”

“Just sit here with me for a little bit, please.”

I sat and held her hand and allowed my feelings to be with me. All of my problems with my sister had never led me to feel as desperate as Zan must have felt to do this thing. I said a silent prayer for the Blessed Mother to help my friend see her worth.

Zan looked out the window. “It’s dark,” she said. “I’ll give you the keys to my house and car, and if you will please, can you take a taxi there and spend the night? It isn’t far from here. My dogs will love you. The neighbors are feeding them, but I bet they’re confused—the dogs, I mean. Take my clothes from the plastic bag in there”—she pointed to a small closet. “When they smell them, it’ll comfort them. Bring my car and come back tomorrow, please?”

“Of course I will.”

~~~

The dogs’ barking at the front door was a commotion like I had never heard. Remembering Zan’s instructions, I pushed the door open a crack and allowed them to get a whiff of her clothes, and then they cried happy sounds and greeted me with such enthusiasm, I was sure they would burst with excitement. Three furry white mountains of pure joy twirled around and begged to be petted. I did my best to assure them as I stood in the foyer.

At that moment, the doorbell rang, and the barking deafened me. As I stood with my hands over my ears, I could hear a woman’s voice calling out over the noise, “I’m Zan’s neighbor, hon.” The dogs stopped barking when they heard her voice, and they wagged and cried again with joy. Someone they knew had come to visit. I could almost hear their thoughts.

She was bundled up with a huge puffy coat, and she wore a wool hat tied under her chin. Her lips were blue. “Please come in out of the cold.”

“Marlene,” she said as she grasped my hand with her glove. She was the friendliest woman, making cooing sounds to the doggies, and it was clear that they were fans of hers. “Can’t stay, darlin’, I just heard these brutes making’ that racket. Zan called to tell me you were coming. She’s not makin’ much sense, is she?”

Before I could answer, she went on, “And I wanted to make sure you’re okay. And, to let you know we’re here.” She gestured to her left as she held onto the door frame to avoid being knocked over by the dogs pushing each other out of the way. Then she shooed them away, and finally they left us to tumble around together in the sunken living room. I thought they must feel that it was now alright to play.

“Will you not come in–”

“No, no. Can’t stay.”

I did not ask, but she began telling me her story about that night as if she could not wait to tell someone.

“We saw Zan at her mailbox. She was just standin’ there still as a statue with a letter in her hand and staring at it—without a coat on, no less.  In that nasty weather. I could see her shiverin’ even. I almost went out to see if she was okay, but by the time I got my coat on, she must ‘a gone back in the house.”

“That was so kind of you—”

“Then, later, we were worried to hear the dogs barking. Zan’s car was sittin’ right there in the driveway.” She pointed to the right. “I thought, ‘that isn’t right’, ya know? So we tried knockin’ real hard on the door and got no answer. Then I remembered the key Zan had given me for emergencies. Ages ago it was.”

“It is such a blessing that you did—”

“We found her.” She looked away, as if remembering the disturbing sight. “Then we called 911.”

“I am so glad you did that—”

“It was the dogs’ non-stop barking that was distressin’ for us,” she said. “They bark, but not like that. We knew somethin’ was wrong.”

“I am so grateful.” I felt my throat close up, realizing that this talkative woman had saved my friend’s life. “And that you have been taking such good care of these doggies.”

“We love them, my husband and I. We do. They’re noisy, I’ll admit, but such fun. So sweet. You tell Zan I’m more than willin’ to keep on looking in on ‘em and makin’ sure they get exercise and company, and of course food. You tell her not to worry, okay?”

“She will be glad to hear that, but I believe she thinks she will be coming home tomorrow.”

“Oh.” She paused, looking doubtful. “Well, I hope so, for her sake. You know, we always thought Trevor to be a bit of an odd duck. We invited them—through him—to come over for drinks not too long after they moved in, and he said, ‘No thanks’. Simple as that.”

“I did not know him at all.”

“You didn’t miss anything. Tell Zan those dogs can even come and spend the night with us when you leave if it’s before she gets back home, if she wants. It may be longer than she thinks. And keep me posted, will you?”

“I will, Marlene. And, again, I am so grateful to you—”

“Nah, it was nothin’. You take care.” And with that she was running back across the yard to her home, not waiting for any response from me.

Then I saw that my phone was filled with text messages from Ruby and Margo wanting to know how Zan was and what they should do. I called Ruby and talked to her voice mail.

“I saw Zan and talked with her, but I know very little as of now. I will call you tomorrow after my visit with her. Tell Margo, please. And do not worry.”

Then I called Zeke to let him know I was staying at least for one more day. “She looked so vulnerable. It broke my heart. I don’t know how to help her.”

“You are helping her, Olivia. What she needs is a friend right now, someone who cares about her,” he said. “You’re doing the right thing.”

Finally, I texted Matias. I asked him to inform his sister and Mrs. Baumgarten that I was fine and would update them tomorrow.

By that time I was yawning—spent from the emotional day. Seeing that the dog bowls were filled with food and water, and not wanting to explore that huge house, I went to bed in the closest of the guest rooms. I was joined by Zan’s three white dogs. One settled beside the bed and the other two curled up just inside the door. In spite of being in a strange place, I felt safe.