Thinking about intimacy

Warning: This is not my typical post. In fact, depending on how you look at it, it could be considered offensive. However, if you don’t flinch at viagra ads, are okay with talking about breast cancer or menstrual pain, ask yourself: why did this topic make me uncomfortable?

I’m curious about the trend that some are describing as sudden. Women, so I hear, are opting out of dating. Some are saying that they are choosing their own company—with or without a good book and/or an animal companion—to the dating game.

First, let me place myself firmly in the married-for-over-fifty-years category. I was dating so many years ago that the pool, so to speak, was people we went to school with, worked with, or who were introduced to us by friends or family. Very few girlfriends ended up married to a ‘stranger,’ someone no one knew. And, needless to say, there was no internet, so there were no dating sites.

That said, I read. I keep up. And I have a daughter with a daughter. And I’m a feminist, so therefore interested in what’s going on in the world of women, part of which is coupling. I’m crusty enough to say that we, like all the other creatures on this planet, have a prime directive: assure the survival of our species. Procreate. It’s built into us, it is what causes us to be attracted to a member of the opposite sex, and to do what comes naturally with them.

The percentage of beings that aren’t wired that way is small enough that it in no way interferes with the prime directive, so don’t bother to argue with me about them.

So, what’s going on?

Lots of things, I would guess.

Number one, it’s a hassle. Way too much of one. To put yourself out there and sort through the eligible choices, then dress up, meet somewhere safe, take your own transportation, have a plan B, make sure your friends know where you are, etc. etc.

Number two, attaches to number one: it’s scary. You never know about a stranger, no matter how clean and shiny his profile is. It’s too easy to fake everything, and the horror stories—although most of them are fictionalized TV shows—feel like warnings.

Number three, lots of women these days are pretty self-sufficient and have or make enough money to support themselves in a manner that suits them with enough left over to treat themselves at least occasionally. They don’t need someone to provide for them.

Which takes us to number four:

Have you shopped in CVS recently for … say cough remedies or Ace bandages, and made your way over to the personal care aisle? Good lord, the variety of personal vibrators is awesome. Who walks into a pharmacy and chooses a vibrator for personal care and pays for it without blushing? Today’s women do, that’s who! Not to mention the Amazon choices that they can buy and have delivered the next day with no one knowing that they haven’t given up on pleasure just because they aren’t dating.

I posted a joke on a Facebook group that I love for their irreverent, raucous fun that does not include being mean or rude, nor will it allow political comments. It’s called Writers, Readers, and Other Tom Foolery. It took me awhile to gather my nerve to post this joke, and you will see why: A woman walked into a pharmacy and asked, “Where are your vibrators?” The clerk nodded and gestured with his finger as he said, “Come this way.” as he turned and walked toward the personal care aisle. The woman then said, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t be buying a vibrator.”

Within a couple of hours 143 people responded. Most of them laughed and said (essentially) “Good one!” Only one lady said she thought the site was supposed to be clean fun, and lots of people jumped on her and told her to lighten up. What I remember most about all that was the comments I got from women—probably younger ones—who not only got it, but also who participated in giving themselves pleasure routinely and weren’t embarassed to admit it. One woman even said it was how she relaxed enough to sleep every night. Every night! I applaud her willingness to talk about it. We’re all conditioned to talk about pain–all kinds–but embarassed to talk about pleasure. I wonder: Why is that? Maybe that’s a topic for another post.

Anyway, back to the topic: Back then, at the time of my joke, I hadn’t even heard about the trend to give up on dating, but once I did, I began to wonder. And then I went to the drug store and was surprised. Which led me to question if the personal care aisle at CVS had anything to do with it.

What do you think?